My girlfriend thinks I do …
My girlfriend thinks I don’t have a clue what PG Tips is but I’ve got the tea shirt.
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“Stationary shop moves”.. …
“Stationary shop moves”…..
Continue ReadingWe were at the aquarium a …
We were at the aquarium and my wife said she wanted to feed the fish. So I pushed her into a tank of sharks.
Continue ReadingI bought some hard drugs …
I bought some hard drugs today. It took me ages to open the foil and when I did I got smack in the face.
Continue ReadingI was grateful when the j …
I was grateful when the judge sent me down. I sleep easier on a softer pillow.
Continue ReadingIf there’s two things i h …
If there’s two things i hate, its that i can’t count.
Continue ReadingI was knocking one out at …
I was knocking one out at work today when I thought to myself “I hate my job as an anaesthetist”
Continue ReadingMy friend was digging up …
My friend was digging up his garden when he found a gold coin in a lump of earth….. Lucky Sod.
Continue ReadingEarlier today a fat girl …
Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body, I’d be uncomfortable too If I had to carry all that weight around.
Continue ReadingWhy does the doorbell alw …
Why does the doorbell always ring as soon as you step out of the shower?
Continue ReadingI hated harmonicas up unt …
I hated harmonicas up until I accidentally swallowed one. I soon changed my tune.
Continue ReadingI’m not usually one for s …
I’m not usually one for silly marketing gimmicks but whilst in the pub last night I used my ‘Track Your Bud’ app to trace the origins of the bottle of Budweiser I had just drunk. It turns out that the guy next to me at the bar had been quite justified punching me in the […]
Continue ReadingLast Friday, during my tr …
Last Friday, during my trip round the USA, I stopped off in Michigan for a crazy night out. It’s fair to say by the end of the night I was in a pretty awful state.
Continue ReadingAn animal rights protesto …
An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked animals Only Roasted
Continue ReadingI was on a date with a bi …
I was on a date with a bird I met outside the supermarket. I confided, “I have to admit, I’ve spent a small amount of time inside.” “Oh my god!” she shrieked. “You’ve been to prison?” I said, “No, I’m homeless.”
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