William shakespeare is an …
William shakespeare is an anagram for “I am a weakish speller”
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So few people now buy CD …
So few people now buy CD singles that Scotch have managed to score a Top 10 hit with ‘Laser Lens Cleaner’.
Continue ReadingI said to my grandad, “Ro …
I said to my grandad, “Roughly when did you start going bald?” He said, “Off the top of my head, I don’t know”.
Continue Readingwhat do you call a dwarf …
what do you call a dwarf stuck in cement? A wee hard man. What do you call a 5 year old girl stuck in cement? My lucky day
Continue ReadingI can never tell whether …
I can never tell whether my wife is coming or going. She still hasn’t figured out how to get the car out of neutral.
Continue ReadingI don’t like to brag, but …
I don’t like to brag, but I’m an excellent gloater.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend’s easy goin …
My girlfriend’s easy going. She has irritable bowels.
Continue ReadingI was telling my mate I j …
I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador. He said: “Oh they’re really nice dogs, I love them but they make you go blind.”
Continue ReadingIs anyone here called all …
Is anyone here called allen? I think i found your keys
Continue ReadingI love dunking biscuits i …
I love dunking biscuits in my tea. I don’t even care if anyone at the dinner table thinks custard creams and curry don’t go well together.
Continue ReadingCustomer: I would like to …
Customer: I would like to purchase Windows Vista. Helpdesk: No problem, em. Which one would you like? Customer: What is there? Helpdesk: Vista Home basic, Vista Home Basic upgrade, Vista Home Premium, Vista Home Premium Upgrade, Vista Bussiness full version or the upgrade, Vista Enterprise or Enterprise Upgrade, Vista 32 bit or 64 bit for […]
Continue ReadingI eat too much, I sleep t …
I eat too much, I sleep too much, and I don’t exercise at all. There’s certainly room for improvement. I think I’ll take up smoking.
Continue ReadingI saw my mate in the pub …
I saw my mate in the pub earlier, He’d been in a fight and was bruised all over the place. I asked him if he was ok? He replied ”Yeah but you should see the other guys fists”
Continue ReadingDid you hear the joke abo …
Did you hear the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made yet.
Continue ReadingI walked into a shop this …
I walked into a shop this morning and the sign clearly stated ‘Open’. Yet, on the way out, it said ‘Closed’. Weird. Half an hour I stood there unsure of what to do, before I was led away by some kind people.
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