Since signing up for a da …
Since signing up for a dating website with the username ‘one inch from the floor’, I’ve had thousands of interested women. I had no idea my amateur levitation skills would be so attractive.
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Old proverb: Blessed are …
Old proverb: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Continue ReadingWent surfing yesterday. C …
Went surfing yesterday. Came out covered in vomit. Mate asked “What happened?!” I said “I don’t really know! Was suddenly overcome by a wave of nausea”.
Continue ReadingBBC News – “Saudi women w …
BBC News – “Saudi women win court access.” Can’t see them making much impact at Wimbledon.
Continue ReadingThey say if you hang arou …
They say if you hang around them for long enough, they will eventually be your friend. Imagine my surprise when the restraining order came through.
Continue ReadingI’m hoping to get some in …
I’m hoping to get some investment for my new business venture…It’s eleven foot barge poles for things you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot barge pole…any offers
Continue ReadingI created an amazing new …
I created an amazing new iPad app that would instantly turn its user into a pretentious douche. Apple rejected it, saying it duplicated core functionality.
Continue ReadingI’m trying to drop two dr …
I’m trying to drop two dress sizes for thr summer. The wife’s up to a 14 now!
Continue ReadingWhenever I dance around i …
Whenever I dance around in my living room wearing a nappy, holding my cat and smoking a cigar, my neighbour stares at me through the window. I think he must be a bit of a weirdo.
Continue ReadingEvery Christmas my wife d …
Every Christmas my wife decorates the house, and on the first of January I take it all down. You should see her face when she finds all the wall paper on the floor.
Continue ReadingA giraffe sleeps for less …
A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day. This is because their long necks allow them to get at the cocaine other browsing animals cannot reach.
Continue ReadingAfter spending a week in …
After spending a week in London I saw many sad, homeless people. Which made me realise how fortunate I really am. I never have to go back there again.
Continue ReadingA man walks into the doct …
A man walks into the doctors and says “I’ve got a rash.” The doctor replies, “Ok I’ll be as quick as I can.”
Continue ReadingConsent Rated Proof, if e …
Consent Rated Proof, if ever it were needed, that consent is overrated.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend got home to …
My girlfriend got home today and said, “Why have you got your arms folded?” “Because I trapped them in a mangle,” I replied. “They’re 16ft long if I don’t keep them neat.”
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