Just saw a police warning …
Just saw a police warning at the bus station, “If your mobile phone is stolen, please ring 999 as soon as it happens.” Hmm..
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“Your cooking is truly dr …
“Your cooking is truly dreadful. That was the worst meal I’ve ever eaten in my life.” “HOW DARE YOU!!? What gives you the right to speak to me like that!?” “Well, for a start, you’ve just managed to kill my tapeworm.”
Continue ReadingI have some earth shatter …
I have some earth shattering tales about epileptic elephants.
Continue ReadingI just designed a photo a …
I just designed a photo app for grandmothers. Its called “Instagran”
Continue ReadingThe new boss at Tesco ins …
The new boss at Tesco insists on only hiring midgets He’s taken the slogan a little too seriously
Continue ReadingMy mate said, “lets go ou …
My mate said, “lets go out tonight and tear up the dance floor…” Shows how out of touch with the times I am, I turned up with my jackhammer.
Continue ReadingWhen someone next says to …
When someone next says to you “See You Next Tuesday” ie C.U.N.T. acronym which is quite offensive – Reply “Tuesday, Wednesday And Thursday” ie T.W.A.T. acronym! You’ll have the last laugh!
Continue Reading‘Djeez, what a small offi …
‘Djeez, what a small office you have, dad’, my son said when he visited me at work. ‘Shut up, fool’, I said, ‘I’m taking a dump’
Continue ReadingMy dad recently had a str …
My dad recently had a stroke. He’s coming around and finally starting to see the funny side of it.
Continue ReadingMy mate asked me if I cou …
My mate asked me if I could name a three letter word starting with A and ending with Y? I was stumped, I don’t know why I couldn’t think of any.
Continue ReadingHow does a shot putter ge …
How does a shot putter get his shot put to other countries? Heathrow
Continue ReadingI’m not one for cross eye …
I’m not one for cross eyed people. I’m two.
Continue ReadingMy mates had a good laugh …
My mates had a good laugh at my expense last night. I paid for them to go and see a comedian.
Continue ReadingI love when you get into …
I love when you get into your taxi, with your six full to the brim Tesco bags and the driver asks, “Been shopping mate?” No, no, I always just carry these around with me.
Continue ReadingMy friend once told me th …
My friend once told me that I am socially awkward. I didn’t know what to say.
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