When my twelve-year-old daughter came home from school last night she came up to my room, started sobbing and told me that the form teacher had been coming on to her all day. Without hesitating I slapped her round the face and told her she was grounded for a month. I’m not having any daughter […]
Continue ReadingI took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night… …and yet she still claims I’m incapable of romance!
Continue ReadingI just took a long, hard look in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I could see the wife taking a shower behind me.
Continue ReadingI really do feel children these days aren’t impressed with the importance of safety in traffic enough. I hit a kid on a bike the other day, splattering him across thirty feet of road. I got out and surveyed the carnage, shaking my head and thinking “If only his parents had told him to wear […]
Continue ReadingAn old farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper?” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the […]
Continue ReadingThought my nose was bleeding Its snot.
Continue ReadingIf you ever get arrested wait till the cop says “Anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you.” Then you say this. “I have nothing to say. I, on the other hand, find you very attractive, your honour, and am struggling to contain myself.” Then watch his face when he […]
Continue ReadingI spotted a golden retriever this morning… I’ve always prefered dalmations.
Continue ReadingI’m making a fortune teaching maths to “special needs” people. They’ll never realise that I grossly overcharge them and that their accounts are incorrect. Not with the way I teach them maths, they won’t.
Continue ReadingI’m really into those oversized watches. Big time.
Continue ReadingI was always warned as a kid not to blow my own trumpet However it was that mentality that caused my exclusion from the school orchestra
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS Headline: Town overrun by bins. What a load of rubbish.
Continue ReadingOver the weekend it was so hot in the UK that people were standing next to Rupert Murdoch just tobe next to something shady.
Continue Reading“I do love a nice condiment,” I said with relish.
Continue ReadingI was out having a few pints with the lads last night. I drank them all under the table. “Dave, why you drinking your pints under there?” They kept asking.
Continue Reading