I’ve just noticed my frie …
I’ve just noticed my friends on facebook have all been joining the group “RIP Brittany Murphy”. Good to see I’m not the only one who’s a fan of necrophilia.
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Driving sufficiently fast …
Driving sufficiently fast towards a red light causes the “Blue Shift” effect, making the light appear green and thus allowing you to drive straight through.
Continue ReadingWent to the zoo the other …
Went to the zoo the other day Some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going berserk It was sheer pandemonium.
Continue ReadingJokes are like catholic c …
Jokes are like catholic choir boys – its hard to find one that hasn’t been done.
Continue ReadingShotgun wedding: A case o …
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Continue ReadingThe council had been re-s …
The council had been re-surfacing our road when the spastic kid from next door got his wheelchair stuck in the tarmac. The next thing we knew he was re-tarred.
Continue ReadingJust walked past a pub ca …
Just walked past a pub called the Dog Inn. Can’t imagine the shenanigans that go on in their car park…
Continue ReadingI’ve just killed my only …
I’ve just killed my only child and buried him in concrete, and now I’m going to sit and watch the son set with my wife.
Continue ReadingI’ve just invented a way …
I’ve just invented a way to turn the smell of a homeless person into an effective and cheap green fuel. I call it Trampoline.
Continue Reading“It’s just a spider, it’s …
“It’s just a spider, it’s more scared of you than you are of it” my Dad told me. Pretty stupid advice for a housefly.
Continue ReadingI got into a fight with a …
I got into a fight with an article of clothing today. It was a tie.
Continue ReadingI was playing football wi …
I was playing football with a group of anorexics and two of them started arguing about who would go in goal. In the end I had to get between the sticks
Continue ReadingI went out for a few beer …
I went out for a few beers with my mates one Friday night and didn’t get back until the next Tuesday. When I arrived home my wife was really upset. It can’t have been me who upset her, I wasn’t even there.
Continue ReadingSaying “whoever smelt it …
Saying “whoever smelt it dealt it” doesn’t work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs, apparently.
Continue ReadingYesterday, I was kicked o …
Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros. It appears there’s not much demand for second-hand smoke.
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