It’s amazing how having a …
It’s amazing how having a baby can change some people. My wife used to be quite attractive.
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My wife mixed her 2 favou …
My wife mixed her 2 favourite drinks – wine & gin. It seems to have had a permanent effect as she hasn’t stopped whinging since.
Continue ReadingI got in in trouble with …
I got in in trouble with my boss at DFS today. Some weird looking bloke sat down on one of our sofas and I tipped it upside down knocking him to the floor. My manager immediately came over and said, “You must never take strangers off suites.”
Continue ReadingI was bitterly disappoint …
I was bitterly disappointed yesterday when I found out the ‘super moon’ wasn’t a people protecting lunar rock wearing fluorescent spandex and a cape.
Continue ReadingMichael Owen is a clinica …
Michael Owen is a clinical finisher. He always ends up in hospital.
Continue ReadingA German got into a weird …
A German got into a weird state of mind, got confused then got lost. He didn’t know vertigo.
Continue ReadingI don’t use Twitter. It’s …
I don’t use Twitter. It’s too trendy for me.
Continue ReadingI tried to hold a seance …
I tried to hold a seance last night. After two hours, all I’d managed to do was talk to three window cleaners. That’s the last time I muck around with a squeegee board.
Continue ReadingA new episode of The Mupp …
A new episode of The Muppet Show is going to be broadcast and it is full of nothing more than film and cinema reviews. I sincerely hope they get rid of Kermode the Frog.
Continue ReadingI bought an adult movie s …
I bought an adult movie set in a Welsh valley – there are some incredible Cwm shots.
Continue ReadingMy wife accused me of bei …
My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.
Continue ReadingAny notice that the new G …
Any notice that the new Google Instant is like a very annoying person who answers a question before you’ve finished saying the question and they’ve got it wrong!
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
Continue ReadingI’m afraid that my cat mi …
I’m afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is ‘Meow Meow’.
Continue ReadingI’ve invented a time mach …
I’ve invented a time machine that automatically brings you back to the exact moment you left. I’ll just try it again to make sure. Yep, it works.
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