I remember very clearly the day my teacher told me: “Steve, you will never amount to anything, and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!” I sure showed him yesterday when I got a job as a boxing referee.
Continue ReadingBBC news: Austria mourns the empire’s Otto von Habsburg, last heir. All of our royal family are losing theirs we don’t moan about it.
Continue ReadingI had to excuse myself from dinner this evening to answer a call of nature. Being Dr Dolittle isn’t all fun and games.
Continue Readingdid you hear about that new law on constipation? the government are still trying to push it through.
Continue ReadingI went to an Italian restaurant and after looking at the menu I said to the waiter, “I’ll have the Spinotti Vermicelli.” “Sorry Sir,” he replied, “but that’s not a dish, that’s the name of our chef.”
Continue ReadingI love bouncing my mother-in-law on my knee. Sticking her in a football is more fun than an urn.
Continue ReadingIf I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbours are going to be so rich! I’m going to move to a rich neighbourhood.
Continue ReadingWhy slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be redeployed to clear the world’s mine fields?
Continue ReadingI got one of those slow cookers the other day. By nine o’clock I was so hungry I gave her the sack
Continue ReadingMy wife said, “I’m just off for a bath.” So I rushed to put my coat on. She said, “Where are you going?” “To get you a card,” I replied. “I didn’t realise it was your birthday.”
Continue ReadingI love working on Sunday when the clocks go forward. It means an extra hour in bed and a cast iron excuse for being two hours late.
Continue ReadingI got thrown out of the Scottish Highland Games, couldn’t give a toss..
Continue ReadingI’m so happy, I think I’ve found the one. It’s right beside the two on my keyboard.
Continue ReadingVisiting my dad again tonight. He’s having a tough time lately since he got caught in that bear trap. I’ve been helping him find his feet.
Continue ReadingI wasn’t feeling too good after my operation. “Come on, go out tonight. I’m sure you’ll have a ball” said the Orchiectomy surgeon.
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