I walked into a library y …
I walked into a library yesterday and asked for a book on suicide to see what would happen. And what did I get? Six months of therapy three times a week. Thanks for the bright idea guys.
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I climbed a staircase tod …
I climbed a staircase today. In hindsight, I probably should have just walked up it.
Continue ReadingThis summer in Barbados I …
This summer in Barbados I accidentally mistook some of my sister’s Canesten cream for sunblock. Boy was I red faced!
Continue ReadingI had to dump my blow up …
I had to dump my blow up doll earlier I let her down gently
Continue ReadingMy mate is haunted by a g …
My mate is haunted by a ghost which plays on his xbox all night. It needs to get a life.
Continue ReadingSky news ‘Insomnia suppor …
Sky news ‘Insomnia support group headquarters burnt down in arson attack’ The support group leader has said ‘None of us will sleep until the culprits are found’
Continue ReadingI always used to enjoy th …
I always used to enjoy the occasional chocolate brownie, which was all well and good, until Childline found out.
Continue Reading161m – At least you can a …
161m – At least you can afford the gastric band surgey now from bupa.
Continue ReadingI got fired today for con …
I got fired today for congratulating my boss for ‘backing the beard’ for England. She didn’t find it as funny as I did.
Continue ReadingIt took me a long time to …
It took me a long time to order breakfast this morning. By the time I’d alphabetically arranged it all, it had gone cold.
Continue ReadingBing Horn? Now I know Mat …
Bing Horn? Now I know Matt Bellamy is in to his music but is there any need to call your child after two sounds?
Continue ReadingI used to work in a circu …
I used to work in a circus as the human cannonball. But I left after they fired me.
Continue ReadingIt doesn’t make a differe …
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature
Continue ReadingMoney can’t buy you happi …
Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you jet skis, and when did you ever see an unhappy jet skier?
Continue ReadingMy son finally reached Ad …
My son finally reached Adulthood today. He’s a midget and it was on the top shelf at HMV
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