When I found out that my …
When I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant, I realised something was hideously wrong. Mum told me she’d hit the menopause.
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I was sat in this big old …
I was sat in this big old room yesterday and saw this lady talking on a phone and she was waving in my direction. So I smiled and waved back at her. She carried on talking on the phone and waved back. So I waved back again. This went on for about five minutes until […]
Continue ReadingI miss my old job at Burg …
I miss my old job at Burger King quite a lot. I still phone in sick everyday though.
Continue Readingi have a question for ask …
i have a question for ask ollie. why isn’t google working on my phone?
Continue ReadingI hold the record for mos …
I hold the record for most rides on that big Ferris wheel in London. I’m somewhat of a celebrity. I’ve been in the public eye for years.
Continue ReadingI’m a member of the illit …
I’m a member of the illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.
Continue ReadingMe and the wife are going …
Me and the wife are going through a trial separation. It all started when I was held on remand.
Continue ReadingMy mother had a go at me …
My mother had a go at me for never visiting her. At least I think it was my mother.
Continue ReadingI met a really Dirty girl …
I met a really Dirty girl last night in the pub. After flirting with her for ages, i took her home and gave her exactly what she was needing. A Bath.
Continue ReadingWonder if I’ll get nailed …
Wonder if I’ll get nailed for copyright infringement when I open up my new Korean fast food joint, “Unlucky Fried Kitten”?
Continue ReadingA colleague at work told …
A colleague at work told me that if I wanted swift promotion, I should “brown nose the boss.” I don’t see how farting in his face will achieve anything.
Continue ReadingI’m schizophrenic. Well I …
I’m schizophrenic. Well I think that’s a better excuse than ‘I have no friends’ as to why I like my own status’ on Facebook.
Continue ReadingMy friends just accused m …
My friends just accused me of ruining the latest Harry Potter film for everyone. They’re overreacting, all I said was that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to go on a quest to find the rest of the Horcruxes. I didn’t even mention to them that Snape gets killled, Harry kills Voldemort, Dobby gets stabbed and […]
Continue ReadingTime walks into a bar… …
Time walks into a bar… And gets wasted.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend loves her j …
My girlfriend loves her job as a fruit machine designer. But she really wants a baby, so she’s putting her career on hold for a while.
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