I’m buying an Earthquake …
I’m buying an Earthquake simulator from a mate. No contract has been signed but we’ve shaken on it.
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Phil and some friends wer …
Phil and some friends were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled “21”, and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled “34” and another roar of laughter rose up. Phil, confused about this, asked his friend, “Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called […]
Continue ReadingIf you want to find a pla …
If you want to find a plane that’s crashed into the sea – there’s not an app for that. Unlucky.
Continue ReadingI never laugh at people w …
I never laugh at people who are less fortunate than me. They’re too hard to find
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen 2 men tryi …
I’ve just seen 2 men trying and failing to rescue Leonard Nimoy from a hostage situation. Should have gone to SpockSavers.
Continue ReadingHearing people use metaph …
Hearing people use metaphors to express their mood really rattles my cage
Continue ReadingI was driving home the ot …
I was driving home the other day when I hit and killed my own wife. It was incredibly tragic but I really can’t stand back-seat drivers.
Continue ReadingMy mates always say that …
My mates always say that I have luck on my side. I prefer to call it an oddly shaped birth mark.
Continue ReadingI saw a sign in a shop- ‘ …
I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets 10’ I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery
Continue ReadingI was going to be a pilot …
I was going to be a pilot, but my career never really took off.
Continue ReadingI swear, the only reason …
I swear, the only reason I get up in the morning is that it’s my favourite Pixar film.
Continue ReadingSolar powered calculators …
Solar powered calculators never let you down. you can count on them.
Continue ReadingI asked my mate Paul what …
I asked my mate Paul what a palindrome was. He didn’t have a clue but suggested I ask Bob or Hannah.
Continue ReadingI was never the same man …
I was never the same man again after my best friend died. He left me all of his fancy-dress costumes in his will.
Continue ReadingMy Agatha Christie ‘murde …
My Agatha Christie ‘murder mystery’ duvet cover finally arrived in the post. Can’t wait to open the package & see how it all unfolds
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