My wife went mental this …
My wife went mental this morning when she discovered I’d used ‘Just For Men’ on our pet duck. But it’s all dyed down now.
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I spent a few hours in Th …
I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road tax.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a cautio …
What do you call a cautious Russian wasp? a K.G.B
Continue ReadingNumber 372. I met you in …
Number 372. I met you in the park one night as I was walking home. You started following me and ended up dragging me behind a bush despite my pleas for you to stop. After raping me and recording the event you found me on facebook and tagged me in the video. How we can […]
Continue ReadingI just spent 5 grand on H …
I just spent 5 grand on Hi-Fi equipment, I think I’m a stereo type
Continue ReadingWhilst out shopping I oft …
Whilst out shopping I often wondered what C & A stands for, I’ve just realised it’s to help women to get their knickers on the right way round
Continue Reading‘ Now,that looks like a h …
‘ Now,that looks like a happily married couple,’ said my wife. ‘ Don’t be too sure, ‘ I replied, ‘ they’re probably saying the same about us. ‘
Continue Reading‘Hey Dad, do you know any …
‘Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?’ ‘Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living’
Continue ReadingBBC news: ‘shocking’ decl …
BBC news: ‘shocking’ decline seen in oceans. Well the sequels are never as good are they.
Continue ReadingThe doctor was concerned …
The doctor was concerned about the problems I was having with my foot long after it was cut really badly. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Mr Thompson”, he said with a heavy sigh.. “But if you spill any more mayo on my carpet, I’m going to ban you from my surgery.”
Continue ReadingI went to the museum toda …
I went to the museum today, as I walked through the doors and headed straight for the main room, a voice said: “Excuse me sir, admission please.” “Fine” I said, “I wear women’s underwear and eat cat food.”
Continue ReadingWhen two aeroplanes nearl …
When two aeroplanes nearly collide they call it a near miss. Sounds more like a near hit to me.
Continue ReadingSon: “Mom, when I was on …
Son: “Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.” Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.” Son: “But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.”
Continue ReadingI finally get this “big s …
I finally get this “big society” thing, David Cameron spends 680,000 doing up number 10 and I have earned 680 to keep my family of 3 for a month “we are in this together”.
Continue ReadingI’ve lost count of the am …
I’ve lost count of the amount of times discalculia has held me back at work.
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