The wife and I are trying …
The wife and I are trying to get pregnant… I’ll be honest… I think she’ll get there first.
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I can almost picture it p …
I can almost picture it perfectly… A young girl holding a can of Dr.Pepper, when her friend turns round and says, ‘go on Rebecca, post your video on youtube, what’s the worst that could happen?’
Continue ReadingConversations can come ou …
Conversations can come out very differently if predictive text changes “keys” to “Jews”…
Continue ReadingMy mates think i’m weird …
My mates think i’m weird thinking Maid Marian in Robin Hood is quite fit. And why wouldnt I, she’s a fox.
Continue ReadingI’ve just finished writin …
I’ve just finished writing a book called “How to delegate.” Well, actually my wife wrote it. But it was me who told her to.
Continue ReadingA man goes into a library …
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to fake your own death. The librarian says; “Sorry, Im afraid it was checked out on the 25th of June by a monkey and we havent seen it since.”
Continue ReadingCAUTION: If shower gel ge …
CAUTION: If shower gel gets in your eyes, rinse with water. So…the same as every other part of my body I get shower gel on then?
Continue ReadingTOP TIP ~ Steer clear of …
TOP TIP ~ Steer clear of kettle chips. Just bought a packet; they turned to mush and welded themselves to the element.
Continue ReadingI put together a punchlin …
I put together a punchline, a bit of set up and threw in some misdirection in the mix and was horribly disappointed with what I was left with. It was a complete joke.
Continue ReadingWalkers win a tenner ever …
Walkers win a tenner every time you predict it’ll rain, everybody in Scotland will be able to retire by December 2018.
Continue ReadingWho’s Billy and why does …
Who’s Billy and why does he have no mates?
Continue ReadingMy gran just accused me o …
My gran just accused me of stealing her copies of The Mirror Crack’d and The Body in the Library. I think she’s lost her marples.
Continue ReadingI was with a very beautif …
I was with a very beautiful woman last night and you know the old saying “Beauty is only skin deep”? Well it’s true. Because once I’d broken into the chest cavity, things started to look pretty messy after that.
Continue ReadingI took a girl back to min …
I took a girl back to mine the other night. We went to bed and I started to undress. She looked puzzled and said, “I thought you said you had at least a foot!” I went, “No! I said I had athletes foot.”
Continue ReadingI’ve been flirting with a …
I’ve been flirting with a girl on Facebook for the last few weeks and last night we decided to meet up. Looking at her with a very disappointed face I said, “You don’t look anything like your profile picture.” She said, “That’s my three-year-old daughter.”
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