I dropped a bottle of ket …
I dropped a bottle of ketcup on my foot It caused immense pain To ma toes
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Depeche Mode have opened …
Depeche Mode have opened a pizzeria up. Apparently it specialises in custom toppings specifically your own, personal cheeses.
Continue ReadingI started a facebook grou …
I started a facebook group a few months ago called ‘Talking to people in the real word’ 0 people like this.
Continue ReadingA nose walks into a bar a …
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry sir, I can’t serve you, you’re off your face!”
Continue ReadingI was at the carousel at …
I was at the carousel at the airport and there was one piece of luggage left going round. The guy next to me had lost something so I thought it might be his but apparently this wasn’t the case.
Continue ReadingI accidentally used AOL.c …
I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.
Continue ReadingI was waiting at the bus …
I was waiting at the bus stop and put my hand out. Those counterfeit cigarettes are lethal.
Continue ReadingI used to file my nails, …
I used to file my nails, but I thought: ‘what’s the point in keeping them?’
Continue ReadingI asked my mum who my rea …
I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; “Some soldiers.”
Continue ReadingToday I bought a hobo a s …
Today I bought a hobo a sausage roll from greggs, only for him to say he didnt like them. I guess beggars can be choosers.
Continue ReadingI decided to leave work e …
I decided to leave work early today, You should have seen the look on the co-pilots face when i grabbed the only parachute and jumped out of the plane.
Continue ReadingI actually think the BBC …
I actually think the BBC iplayer is overrated, It’s just full of repeats.
Continue ReadingI have a condition where …
I have a condition where I absolutely must buy things before they are publicly released. It’s know as Obsessive Compulsive Pre-Order
Continue ReadingI’ve just walked up to a …
I’ve just walked up to a freezing tramp holding a Big Mac and a cup of coffee. I asked, “Are you hungry mate?” He smiled reservedly and answered, “Yes, I’m starving.” “Well I don’t usually help your kind out,” I said, “But, about 100 yards down there, you can probably find the gherkin I chucked […]
Continue ReadingI’ve just spilled spot re …
I’ve just spilled spot remover on my dog. Luckily, Rover suffered no ill effects.
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