Mr Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady congratulated him for not including curse words. “Ah, ” replied Johnston, “You have been looking for them, I presume.”
Continue ReadingI watched an hour long programme about sheets and duvets. The coverage was brilliant.
Continue ReadingTo save money, I had my profession printed on my business cards as “Archaeolo”. You get the gist.
Continue ReadingMy mate is by far the coolest guy in his IT company – he’s Domain Man
Continue ReadingI’ve started going to a new church that’s built on the burial site of the old paediatric hospital. We pray on children.
Continue ReadingI bought a shoe horn off some guy down in the market but it doesn’t make getting my shoes off any easier. Although it does clear the pavement ahead of me when I’m out walking.
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business… It’s probably best they stick to making sauces.
Continue ReadingWhat goes from 0-60 in 0.1 seconds? Facebook friends for Colin & Chris Weir.
Continue ReadingI bought my wife a cat-suit. But she looks more like a hippo.
Continue Reading“What’s the matter love,you look really fed up?”I asked the girlfriend earlier. “I feel like I’m living with a child.”She moaned.”When are you gonna man up and make an honest woman of me?” “Well maybe this’ll cheer you up.”I said,grinning,and handed her a ring. She immediately stood up,threw it back at me and ran out […]
Continue ReadingI was in the car with Slash, Tommy Stinson, Dizzy Reed and Chris Pitman when all of a sudden the car crashed. The police said the accident was to do with the front, right tyre. We were missing an Axel.
Continue ReadingI don’t think I’m cut out for this mine clearing malarkey. The Sergeant says it’s going to take a while to find my feet.
Continue ReadingMy mates keep telling me that if I keep believing everything they keep saying to me, my brain will explode. So now I accuse them of lying, just in case.
Continue ReadingThe irony of you telling me to “get a life” is that I’ll probably take yours…
Continue ReadingThe operation to separate me from my conjoined twin is tearing us apart
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