I had to go to the Doctors recently, ‘I’m afraid it doesn’t look good’ He said, ‘You’re going to have to have a foot off’ I’m not too bothered though, I’ll be able to wear my kilt without getting arrested again.
Continue ReadingMy friends and I were sat chatting about women and what size clothes they wear. “I prefer my women in a size ten” said one guy. “oh, I like a nice comfy 14, what about you?” another asked me, “I like age 8/9”. Was my reply. I was asked to leave.
Continue ReadingMark Knopfler asked if I could look after his hens while he was away on tour. He even said he’d pay me. I just popped round every day and threw them a handful of corn. It was money for nothing and I got some chicks for free.
Continue ReadingI went to see the Facebook film tonight but got chucked out of the cinema for poking a few random people and commenting everytime someone made conversation. I then follwed a women home but got arrested for writing graffiti on her wall.
Continue ReadingI was in Tesco’s today queuing for the self service checkout. I couldn’t believe it when the computer asked the black guy in front of me “have you swiped your clubcard?” I’m not sure what was more surprising, the fact the computer knew he was black and therefore asked him whether he had stolen his […]
Continue ReadingStephen Hawking has found a new love and she is just like him. I can see the connection.
Continue ReadingI heard through the grapevine that phones are being replaced with more primitive technology
Continue ReadingI have been fully converted from an atheist to a muslim, I have even changed my appearance too. Just the other night someone said to me: “You da bomb!”.
Continue ReadingI don’t think I could ever fist someone. I’m pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.
Continue ReadingMy agent said I should use a pen name, so from now on I am calling myself Bic Parker.
Continue ReadingTidied up the house and put my Christmas decs away today. No DJ’ing for me until December.
Continue ReadingMilk, Milk Lemonade, this is where the Chocolate’s made. Excellent…. Welcome to the NHS Dr Patel.
Continue ReadingI have an altar-ego. We’re exactly the same, except he hangs around at the front of churches.
Continue ReadingWe’ve spent years trying to make a baby, but me and the wife have stuck together and finally made one. It’s the hardest Airfix kit we’ve ever done.
Continue ReadingI find it funny how some people only put the lottery on if it’s a rollover. Almost as if they could do without 3 million tax-free pounds.
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