I asked this Jamaican guy …
I asked this Jamaican guy if he’d like to tell me what his favourite country in the Middle East is. “Yemen,” he replied.
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Last night I had a bar fi …
Last night I had a bar fight with a cowboy. It ended in a draw.
Continue ReadingBBC NEWS: Brave Laura Rob …
BBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova I wished.
Continue ReadingThey say money is the roo …
They say money is the root of all evil, which is why I’m doing my bit for Africa by not sending any. They’ve got enough problems as it is.
Continue ReadingJust spent two grand on a …
Just spent two grand on an ice cream van. It melted in 15 minutes.
Continue ReadingAs soon as the wife put h …
As soon as the wife put her foot through the door I knew it. I should’ve gone with solid oak.
Continue ReadingSome stupid fitness instr …
Some stupid fitness instructor just told me I’m not doing the star jumps correctly. I nearly fell off my chair.
Continue ReadingI reckon the anterior leg …
I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees.
Continue ReadingSaw a man this morning wh …
Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow not really getting anywhere. He was furious. Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental. He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.
Continue ReadingIf I had a pound for ever …
If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure I wouldn’t be a failure anymore
Continue ReadingI told my mate I was goin …
I told my mate I was going to the nearby shop. He asked me to get him a chocolate bar while I was there. “What kind of chocolate bar?” I asked. “Just get me a Galaxy” He replied. He wasn’t impressed when I got back and gave him a Milky Way.
Continue ReadingI got that “Meet beautifu …
I got that “Meet beautiful women in your area” ad pop up the other day. But, when I took my laptop to Bradford, it just said “Searching”
Continue ReadingI asked my new girlfriend …
I asked my new girlfriend to tell me where all her erogenous zones were. “Why do you want to know that?” she asked. “Just so we can start off on the right foot,” I said. “I definitely haven’t got one there,” she said.
Continue ReadingI’m the kind of guy that …
I’m the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes.
Continue ReadingI must be really unlucky, …
I must be really unlucky, Every time I have an argument with somebody on the internet, they turn out to be a cage fighter.
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