Every day this week I hav …
Every day this week I have had to sack people at work because of the recession. We used to be able to afford proper body bags at the mortuary.
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I think my new neighbours …
I think my new neighbours are really poor… you should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier
Continue ReadingToday, I went to meet a g …
Today, I went to meet a girl I met on Facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn’t match that of her Facebook pic. The words “Stock Photo” weren’t even written on her Forehead.
Continue ReadingA judge has ruled that th …
A judge has ruled that the SFA had ‘no right to impose a transfer embargo on Rangers FC.’ I suppose he’s right. After all, it was only 20 years of tax evasion.
Continue ReadingI’m not being funny, but …
I’m not being funny, but why doesn’t anyone laugh at my jokes?
Continue ReadingA helicopter loses power …
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asks the woman who answered the door. She thinks for a minute. “No sir, but we do have a McArdle at […]
Continue ReadingToday a woman told me how …
Today a woman told me how she hated the rejected feeling she gets when she holds a baby and it starts to cry. I told her she could avoid this by not holding babies.
Continue ReadingMy wife is currently goin …
My wife is currently going through the change. She’s got about 4 quid so far.
Continue ReadingI was surprised to find t …
I was surprised to find there were only 39 playing cards in the pack I recently purchased from a market in Brixton. Presumably, the spades have stolen the diamonds.
Continue ReadingWhy are mountains so funn …
Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas.
Continue ReadingMy mate just stole my The …
My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I’m lost for words.
Continue ReadingAfter accidentally eating …
After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a kebab.
Continue ReadingThe wife’s just warned me …
The wife’s just warned me the only way I can save our crumbling mess of a marriage is to ease up on my obsession with the vintage slapstick of Stan Laurel. Note to self: Must try Hardy.
Continue ReadingElectric dough. It’s not …
Electric dough. It’s not what I want, it’s watt I knead.
Continue ReadingGirls who pull the trout …
Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments.
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