My wife’s leaving me because apparently “I just don’t get it”. Take yesterday for example. She told me I would soon be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet. I was so excited I went straight out and bought a new suit. Well, it’s not everyday Ronnie Corbett comes round for dinner is it?
Continue ReadingI am kicking myself I did not take up karate earlier.
Continue ReadingYou know you’ve been on chatroulette.com too long when you take it as a compliment when people start talking to you
Continue ReadingI’ve been trying to get my computer to work. But, when I got it there, they already had loads.
Continue ReadingApparently we have become a dumber race since the Egyptians were around. Well I’ve got three words for them! The internet!
Continue Readingi just found out my this beautiful woman i was going to ask out had previuosly been a man. I mean I’m all up for trying new stuff, but i can’t deal with the fact that she can down a pint faster than me.
Continue ReadingQuite often I just go into the street tuck myself into a ball and do roly-polys all the way to the corner. Sorry, if that seems too urban for you guys but that’s the way I roll.
Continue ReadingA group of people gathered outside my house and started shouting ‘we love Poborsky!, we love Poborsky!’. I hate Karel singers.
Continue ReadingI was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me ‘Isn’t this place notorious for incest?’ I replied ‘No but it’s relatively close’
Continue ReadingMy mate at work asked me how much cable I needed, I told him 10.2 metres. I thought that it was a measured response.
Continue ReadingWaiting outside my front door with my pants around my ankles, waiting for the Google Street View car to come past.
Continue ReadingAs I tip-toed into the house, trying my hardest not to wake up the wife, I started to realise just how drunk I was. She’s been dead a month.
Continue ReadingExams are like girls, they ask too many questions and are hard to understand… but it feels good when you’ve nailed one.
Continue ReadingMe: Apparently it’s eating disorder awareness week. My mate: Really Me: Yh, my daughter brought it up at the dinner table
Continue ReadingMy mate just told me that Rodney is dead. RIP Nicholas Lyndhurst.
Continue Reading