Women were eyeing up my b …
Women were eyeing up my big bulge in my jeans today. I didn’t reach the toilet in time.
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Frisbeetarianism (n.), Th …
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Continue ReadingI just donated 2,000 pou …
I just donated 2,000 pounds to Sport Relief, no not because I’m a nice person, I just want to pay for the guns they will use to kill each other with.
Continue ReadingWhen I married my wife he …
When I married my wife her father said that to spend the rest of my life with her would take a lot of courage. I didn’t know he meant beer.
Continue ReadingMy dog loves chasing his …
My dog loves chasing his tail. And chopping it off saved us money on a stick.
Continue ReadingI am a Christian, white, …
I am a Christian, white, anorexic videogame playing teen. My dad is a muslim, black, overweight jock. We came on Sickipedia together. And were considered close enough to be duplicates.
Continue ReadingMy wife text me tonight: …
My wife text me tonight: “Do you think you could pick up 8 pints of milk?” I text back, “No, my hands are not that big”.
Continue ReadingI went to the library and …
I went to the library and asked for a book on rohypnol. That’s the last thing I remember.
Continue ReadingI was walking along the s …
I was walking along the street yesterday when I saw a zebra crossing. I thought, ‘That must have escaped from the zoo.’
Continue ReadingA policeman asks a serial …
A policeman asks a serial killer: “Any last words before you’re executed for commiting such heinous crimes?” Just before the lever on his electric chair is pulled the killer says: “Tell my family I’ve always loved them.” So the day of the the funeral the policeman goes up to the serial killer’s wife and son […]
Continue ReadingI am sick and tired of pe …
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights and save the environment. The last time I did that I ran over a cyclist.
Continue ReadingI bought a contraception …
I bought a contraception magazine yesterday. Most of it was boring, but there was a great pull-out section.
Continue ReadingWhen two egotists fight i …
When two egotists fight it really is an I for an I
Continue ReadingI lost control of my car …
I lost control of my car and crashed into a tree last night. This morning I went straight to the bodyshop. I’m going to need a nice lavender bath after that ordeal.
Continue ReadingAlex Reid is in Katie Pri …
Alex Reid is in Katie Price’s bad books. He’s done nothing wrong, she’s just written two more autobiographies.
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