My wife drove me to work …
My wife drove me to work today and dropped me off at the construction site. She said: “Make sure you wear your helmet!” I replied: “It’s a bit late for that, we’re here now”
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I was so close to getting …
I was so close to getting in the Olympics this year. But they chose a different hamburger stall.
Continue ReadingBBC News – “Snow closes L …
BBC News – “Snow closes Luton Airport runway”. A Colombian Airlines jet crash landed.
Continue ReadingMark Duggan’s family must …
Mark Duggan’s family must be really shocked by the scale of the riots his death has caused. I bet they never realised he had so many friends up north.
Continue ReadingTell you what I’m losing …
Tell you what I’m losing interest in. My mortgage.
Continue ReadingI was driving through a v …
I was driving through a village today. Speeding, driving on the wrong side of the road, hit a lampost and even ran over a few locals. Yet as I left the village the sign still thanked me for driving carefully.
Continue ReadingMy gran is donating her b …
My gran is donating her body to medical science…. She’s hoping it will help provide a breakthrough in nanatechnology.
Continue ReadingI always enjoy steaks as …
I always enjoy steaks as rare as possible…. Which is why I love hunting snow leopards every january.
Continue ReadingBBC headline: “Scientists …
BBC headline: “Scientists create ‘dry water’”. All you need to add is water.
Continue ReadingI can never understand th …
I can never understand these people that say a dog is ‘forever’ Even when it goes straight from the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max.
Continue ReadingLife is like eating a box …
Life is like eating a box of chocolates. Hard if you have no arms.
Continue ReadingI saw a black guy running …
I saw a black guy running down the road towards me, quickly followed by a group of white men. Thinking fast, I did what any patriotic white man would do and rugby tackled him to the ground. Instead of praising me, the white men were furiously shouting at me .. .. something about “ruining their […]
Continue ReadingWhen will people learn to …
When will people learn to stop having kids with people from Siam?
Continue ReadingI realised we were poor g …
I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said, “Don’t go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn’t read it yet.”
Continue ReadingWhilst getting my hair cu …
Whilst getting my hair cut, i was chatting to the hairdresser who was quite good looking. Everything was going great and I thought I had a shot so I built up the courage to ask her the necessary question: “So, no GCSE’s then?”
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