Note to self: When asked …
Note to self: When asked to watch someone’s kids for the night, Don’t reply “I do”.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I’m a conductor having an …
I’m a conductor having an affair with a player in the London Philharmonic Orchestra. In fact she’s giving me the horn right now.
Continue ReadingMe and my daughter got ch …
Me and my daughter got chucked off a game show today. I completely misunderstood what the host meant when he said “Fastest finger goes first”.
Continue ReadingI was on the tube when a …
I was on the tube when a young Asian gentleman sat down next to me. I said, “Going away for long?” He said, “Er .. yeah .. you could say that I’m not coming back”. I said, “And you managed to fit all your stuff into that one little rucksack?”
Continue ReadingA young woman goes into t …
A young woman goes into the butcher’s shop with her baby: “My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?” The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag: “3545 grams … without bones.”
Continue ReadingIn a bizarre publicity st …
In a bizarre publicity stunt, David Walliams and Matt Lucas have kidnapped the Who Wants to be a Millionaire presenter… Little Britains Got Tarrant
Continue ReadingYou’ll not catch me runni …
You’ll not catch me running in the London marathon. I’m Kenyan
Continue ReadingI saw a shark today at th …
I saw a shark today at the beach, Basking
Continue ReadingI come from a musical fam …
I come from a musical family. I lived in A flat.
Continue ReadingI went to the doctors las …
I went to the doctors last week and said, “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied, “take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a 42″ Plasma TV.”
Continue ReadingA farmer stopped by the l …
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by […]
Continue ReadingPeople shouldn’t worry ab …
People shouldn’t worry about the world ending. It’s already tomorrow in Australia!
Continue ReadingI’ve started dating a wom …
I’ve started dating a woman who shares my interest in headware… We have a love hat relationship.
Continue ReadingWhat’s a Sickipedian who’ …
What’s a Sickipedian who’s neither a paedo nor a rapist? Possibly a virgin.
Continue ReadingI took part in a worst ma …
I took part in a worst manicure contest last night. The finish was nail biting.
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