I was thinking the other …
I was thinking the other day so I shouted “Thumone help me! I can’t thwim!”
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We’ve been given a 2011 c …
We’ve been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said “Quick give it here, I want to see what day my birthday’s on next year”. After she finished she asked “Do you want to check what day yours is on?” “There’s no need” I replied “my birthday is the 9th of June […]
Continue ReadingI’ve heard that Emile Hes …
I’ve heard that Emile Heskey and the McCanns both keep having the same nightmare. Missing a sitter.
Continue ReadingI can’t stop myself from …
I can’t stop myself from attending pirate themed parties. I’m hooked.
Continue ReadingI hate having to maintain …
I hate having to maintain my central heating. Bleeding radiators.
Continue ReadingSlinkys – about as much u …
Slinkys – about as much use as a fart in a sieve…and that’s saying something.
Continue ReadingA friend of mine stole my …
A friend of mine stole my invisible box yesterday… I said “Hey, that’s mime!!”
Continue ReadingLooks like some guy calle …
Looks like some guy called Max has broken into my house and written his name on all of my measuring jugs.
Continue ReadingMost people complain abo …
Most people complain about missionaries on their door step, but I love them: JW’s, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, I always invite them in. I’m bald, but I have a huge collection of wigs. And I love avocado dip, eat it every day. I’m living the dream: Sects and rugs and guacamole.
Continue ReadingThe guy who invented the …
The guy who invented the computer chair was obviously not a masturbator.
Continue ReadingThe convenient store is c …
The convenient store is closed. How convenient
Continue ReadingStatistics show 40% of pe …
Statistics show 40% of people fail maths. I can proudly say I am in the other 74%.
Continue ReadingI didn’t tip the waiter a …
I didn’t tip the waiter at the Indian restaurant. Bad korma.
Continue ReadingMy sister bought some eve …
My sister bought some everlasting gobstoppers yesterday. I thought it was a con at first, but when she choked to death on one it lasted the rest of her life.
Continue ReadingHad a threesome with a Ch …
Had a threesome with a Chinese girl & her twin. I wasn’t going to, but one Ting led to another..
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