Paul McCartney once said …
Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real. Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?
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Invited my Indian mate ov …
Invited my Indian mate over for lunch with my family yesterday, when suddenly my mum turned to him and said: ‘Mohammed?’ ‘Mum!’, I shouted, ‘you know that’s not his name you racist!’ ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘I was just asking Ed if he would like some more ham.’
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Emile Heskey and Amy Winehouse? Amy got at least one killer shot in before she died.
Continue ReadingI’ve been teaching my dog …
I’ve been teaching my dog how to count. I said “Rover, whats three plus two minus five”? and Rover said nothing.
Continue ReadingWhere do you find killer …
Where do you find killer whales ? Prison.
Continue ReadingI had a secret meeting wi …
I had a secret meeting with a detective last night. He said it was better if I didn’t know his name, then extended his hand for me to shake. That was a bit of a give away, Inspector Gadget.
Continue ReadingA black man stopped me an …
A black man stopped me and asked for a pound for the bus fare home! I gave him a score and told him to take his family with him!
Continue ReadingI just bought a Muzzle fo …
I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck… I hope it fits the Bill.
Continue ReadingI was born with a Maris P …
I was born with a Maris Piper growing from the side of my head. I’ve since had it amputatoed.
Continue ReadingI find numbers very relia …
I find numbers very reliable. I can always count on them.
Continue ReadingI’m starting to get annoy …
I’m starting to get annoyed with my boss, he keeps asking me to give him a hand for a minute or sometimes even an hour. I’m thinking about quitting work at the watch repair shop.
Continue Reading“Ever since the internet …
“Ever since the internet was invented I’ve been sooooo wasted!” ~ Time
Continue ReadingSome newly married friend …
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our […]
Continue ReadingAny hole’s a goal. You s …
Any hole’s a goal. You still don’t want to score an own goal though.
Continue ReadingI think my wife’s trendin …
I think my wife’s trending on twitter. ‘tache hag, my wife.
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