In an effort to never be …
In an effort to never be wrong again, I’m becoming a lesbian. I hear they’re inphallible.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
As I walked along the str …
As I walked along the street tapping away on my ‘ipad’ someone said, “Get a life!” I said, “Where do you download one of those from…….?”
Continue ReadingDefinition of will power: …
Definition of will power: being able to stop after one chocolate finger.
Continue ReadingI walked into a room of e …
I walked into a room of electrons it was so negative!
Continue Reading“I’ve got the Snitch!” Sa …
“I’ve got the Snitch!” Said Harry, “I’ll hold him down and you can drill through his kneecaps”
Continue ReadingI’ve just bought a transp …
I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.
Continue ReadingThey demolished my local …
They demolished my local Dominos Pizza today and all the other shops on the high street fell down
Continue Reading“This car stinks of cigar …
“This car stinks of cigarettes”, my wife screamed at me when I picked her up from work yesterday, “You’ve been smoking with our two year old boy sat in the back, haven’t you?” “Don’t be so daft love, I’d never dream of putting his health at risk like that”, I replied, horrified that she would […]
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend told me she …
My girlfriend told me she was seeing someone else behind my back. I don’t know how, I was sitting against the wall.
Continue ReadingI’m finding out that the …
I’m finding out that the best relationships are the ones devoid of emotion. And thanks to my own inadequacies, women don’t feel a thing.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a Scotti …
What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round and decorates your bathroom? Bonnie Tiler.
Continue ReadingMy kid just texted me “Da …
My kid just texted me “Dad, can you help me find my skateboard?” I replied “I’m on it.”
Continue ReadingThe night before my weddi …
The night before my wedding I had my hair cut into the shape of a deer It was a stag do.
Continue ReadingNormally I’m a laid back …
Normally I’m a laid back guy, but when I saw the poor portrait I had commissioned of myself, I went mental at the painter. It just wasn’t like me at all.
Continue ReadingThe problem with women is …
The problem with women is that they lack the power of conversation…. but not the power of talking
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