I’ve Just been to see the …
I’ve Just been to see the optician, I keep seeing puff pastries out the corner of my eye…. Turns out it’s just profiterole vision.
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
When a punter in an Amste …
When a punter in an Amsterdam nightclub insults a hooker for downing two shots of a green liqueur in short order, she knocks him out cold with one punch. ‘Aahh’, I thought, ‘absynth makes the tart grow stronger’
Continue ReadingIf time is money then ins …
If time is money then instant coffee should be free.
Continue ReadingI was showing a couple ar …
I was showing a couple around one of my agencies properties today. After the tour, they were both really impressed. “Lets talk figures,” Said the guy. “Okay,” I replied, “I have four Action men, a Buzz and a Woody, what about you?”
Continue ReadingI was at a pet fashion co …
I was at a pet fashion contest the other day when I saw a child’s dog wrapped in lovely clothes. I went over to the little girl to congratulate her, saying ‘I love your doggy style’. I was shortly escorted from the premises.
Continue ReadingSQA Examinations, that’s …
SQA Examinations, that’s the real sick joke here.
Continue ReadingMoses was the first perso …
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
Continue ReadingWho does Gary Numan want …
Who does Gary Numan want to be when he grows up? Gary Oldman.
Continue ReadingSo the police have reveal …
So the police have revealed 200 photos of suspected rioters they want to question with regards to the August riots. They could have used better photos, they all look a bit dark to me!!
Continue ReadingMy wife and son died last …
My wife and son died last year in a vicious shark attack. I wish I could have been there to save them, but I was a faster swimmer.
Continue ReadingAnyone cooking asparagus …
Anyone cooking asparagus for tea? I’ve got some tips if you’re interested.
Continue ReadingI’m a bit of a technical …
I’m a bit of a technical wizard, so when my mate’s wife was complaining about slow internet connection hampering her keeping up to date on Facebook, he came to me for advice. Obviously, my first suggestion was to move the computer out of the kitchen, to see if connection was better elsewhere in the house.
Continue ReadingI offered my ex-wife a sh …
I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused. I forgot she doesn’t like lamb.
Continue ReadingI said to my mum “I’m goi …
I said to my mum “I’m going to the funfair” She said “Oooooh, will you go on the ghost train?” I said “No, I’ll walk”
Continue ReadingI’m trying to think of th …
I’m trying to think of the perfect oxymoron for a joke but i’ve drawn a blank.
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