If you don’t want anyone to sit next to you on the train, don’t pretend to be asleep with all your gear spread about, they’ll only wake you. Instead when people get on the train smile at them and pat the seat next to you. Works for me.
Continue ReadingEverytime I go anywhere, my suspicious wife follows me while pulling tricks on a skateboard. She watches me like a Hawk.
Continue ReadingMy best mate just phoned me to say “I told you I’d get a flat” I said “congratulations fella, but I need that bike for tomorrow”
Continue ReadingThey say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. They’re right, ever since I left my wife, I’ve never been happier.
Continue ReadingI can’t stand the music of Midge Ure and Ultravox, it means nothing to me .
Continue ReadingI was asked if I thought people are censored too much, So i said “
Continue ReadingI’ve just developed a condition where I shout and swear at anything that looks remotely oriental. Doctors are calling it Tibettes
Continue ReadingI’m as honest as the day is long….. …in Iceland…. …at Christmas.
Continue ReadingThe mother-in-law moaned all the way on the journey from Dublin to Kerry. She’s was even moaning when I was taking her down off the roof rack.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a library and asks for a book on pantomimes. The librarian says; “It’s behind you!”
Continue ReadingI take great pleasure in telling rude, obnoxious people exactly where they can get off. That’s why I became a worker for the London Underground.
Continue ReadingEmpty House + Noises downstairs = Ninja Mode
Continue ReadingA sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Continue Readingwhat did the Chinese cat say? Mao
Continue ReadingMy colleagues reckon I’m quite patronising. I told them they wouldn’t understand.
Continue Reading