A wise man once said, “Wh …
A wise man once said, “What’s for you will never go past you.” He obviously didn’t travel with Firstbus, then.
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‘If you can’t stand the h …
‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’. Is one suggestion I won’t be putting into my wife’s head.
Continue ReadingThe only sound animals sh …
The only sound animals should make is sizzle.
Continue ReadingI’ve got constipation. Is …
I’ve got constipation. Is this also a log in issue?
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between the England national team and the new iPhone 4? England’s reception was a lot better than I expected.
Continue ReadingI took some photos of my …
I took some photos of my girlfriend earlier. It took me ages to unscrew the frames off the nursery walls.
Continue ReadingOfficer: Did you know you …
Officer: Did you know your back light is out, sir? Me: Well, no. I don’t know if you noticed … I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage.
Continue ReadingA girl came up to me in a …
A girl came up to me in a club and said, “I’ve just bought a new king-size bed and I need someone to help me test-drive it” Imagine my disappointment when I got back to hers and it wasn’t one of those race-car beds.
Continue ReadingJust ate a whole box of w …
Just ate a whole box of wafer thin ham slices… Man, I feel like a pig.
Continue ReadingBeing very health and saf …
Being very health and safety conscious, I put rock salt all over a huge Ice patch in my local area. I prevented a lot of people slipping over but, on the down side, I’m now banned from the Ice rink.
Continue ReadingBooks like Twilight is wh …
Books like Twilight is what you get when you let women out of the kitchen.
Continue ReadingNever go to bed angry, st …
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Continue ReadingThe local fortune teller …
The local fortune teller was in a really good mood after accurately predicting this weeks winning lottery numbers. So I punched her in the face. I do like to strike a happy medium!
Continue ReadingThe wife bought me a stup …
The wife bought me a stupid man bag for my birthday today and said, “It’s the fashion now.” On the plus side, it’s big enough to hold her severed head.
Continue ReadingWell, didn’t get one tric …
Well, didn’t get one trick o’ treater bothering me last night. I think its the one night of the year I appreciate being homeless,
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