My wife gave birth to our …
My wife gave birth to our baby son today, and I’ve named him after my father. She wasn’t too impressed with the name, ‘The Milkman’, though.
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What’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Ronaldo and God? God doesn’t think he’s Ronaldo..
Continue ReadingI was shocked to see 8 pe …
I was shocked to see 8 people following me as I was walking down my street browsing the web on my cellphone. It has only been an hour since I opened my Twitter account.
Continue Reading“What is the date?” a man …
“What is the date?” a man asked me today. Something very similar to a prune I said.
Continue ReadingIf you’re ill don’t come …
If you’re ill don’t come down to the pub in an effort to feel better. People like you make me sick.
Continue ReadingMy wife has the ability t …
My wife has the ability to light up any room. She’s an arsonist.
Continue ReadingI was recently asked if a …
I was recently asked if as a young boy, was my mother very strict with me. I said, ‘let me get one thing straight, my mother was never a young boy.’
Continue ReadingNever follow a friends ad …
Never follow a friends advice. “Go to Subway for dinner, It’s expensive but it’s lovely!” So I did, and my friend was half right, It was expensive. But after 3 hours of riding around on trains I was skint and still starving.
Continue ReadingI think my karate instruc …
I think my karate instructor has got a great sixth sensei.
Continue ReadingI fancy my wife rotten. …
I fancy my wife rotten. She’s been dead 6 months.
Continue ReadingEgyptians go to the poles …
Egyptians go to the poles today, and I hope they nick their jobs.
Continue ReadingMy kids got to see Puss i …
My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight. I have terribly infected feet you see.
Continue ReadingBecause of my age, I’ve h …
Because of my age, I’ve had to give up my secret role as Veg-Man, the superhero guardian of allotments. I’m no spring onion any more.
Continue ReadingA German walks into a Fre …
A German walks into a French library and asks, “Can I borrow a book please?” The librarian replies, “Yes, just take the book and leave us alone. We want no trouble.”
Continue Reading“Keep your friends close, …
“Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.” That’s the only reason I’m still married…
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