My friend & i were walking back from the pub last night, when we saw a fire in Miss Jones kitchen. “What shall we do?” i panicked “I’ll call the fire brigade, you knock her up!” he replied. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the ideal time to get someone pregnant.
Continue ReadingAs I quickly pulled up my trousers and left, I shouted to the bathroom salesman … ‘If you can’t be bothered to supply toilet paper, I’m not flushing’.
Continue ReadingEvery year, until the age of 10, Michael Jackson would personally deliver me a birthday present. It was very touching.
Continue ReadingI watched the ‘Chubby Checker Story’ last night. Cracking twist at the end.
Continue ReadingMy wife was a bit worried about me taking my 4 year old son Jack to the pub today. After only half an hour of being there she sent me a text saying, ‘All ok?’ I replied, ‘Yes, fine. Made a new friend already and playing on the table with wrestling figures. Jack is at […]
Continue ReadingI’ve found that alcohol is very good at removing warts and pimples. Not from me… From whoever I’m looking at.
Continue ReadingGot a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she’s away for the month. Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago.
Continue ReadingYou know you’re sad when you find yourself buying a 60 Adobe Flash Package just so that Farmville runs quicker.
Continue ReadingThey gave out earthquake warnings on the news this evening, then my house started shaking… The poor thing must have been petrified.
Continue ReadingI’ve just been out and bought a goldfish bowl for my new goldfish. Now I just need to get a goldfish knife and fork and he can enjoy his dinner!
Continue ReadingA mate asked me “do you have any repressed memories?” “Yeah” I said, “but I forget which ones.”
Continue ReadingAfter a hard and stressful day at work, I decided to treat my staff to a few drinks down the pub. Everything went according to plan, until the landlord said, “No dogs are allowed in here.”
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a crossdressing dinosaur? Trannysourus rex.
Continue ReadingSickipedia – Creating awkward silences at parties since 2006.
Continue ReadingLast night I performed a magic act in which I encased everyone watching in rocks and minerals. The audience was in ore.
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