One day, a man was considering his life and said, ‘i wish i could help people’. After much deliberation he decides to run for local parliament. Unexpectedly, he wins in a landslide victory. After a week on the job he has completely eradicated unemployment. He has decreased crime by 80% and improved the standard of […]
Continue ReadingWhile visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. ‘Nothing,’ she said with a smile. ‘It’s just to keep the doctors away.’
Continue ReadingMy job keeps me really busy. I work in a church and I’m always slightly changing things. I’m an alter boy.
Continue ReadingI was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted out ‘I beat my kids!’ ‘At FIFA?’ one of my mates asked. Errrm, yes, ok. That’s exactly what I meant
Continue ReadingI visited the animal rescue centre today and got a dog with no legs. My girlfriend thinks I’m an amazingly caring man. I’m not, I just really hate walking.
Continue ReadingI went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said,”Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
Continue ReadingWhat’s the most confusing part of the day for the medical staff in a Sikh hospital ? Visiting time at the head injury clinic.
Continue ReadingMy fingernails are getting out of hand.
Continue ReadingGreenfly have been at my tomatoes again. It amazes me how they get the fridge door open.
Continue ReadingI’m fed-up of people saying that I have a Jewish persons nose. I’m never showing anyone my war memorabilia again.
Continue ReadingI was working at a mine the other day when I asked the manager whether I should put the Iron or Steel in the smelter. “It doesn’t matter.” He replied, “Either ore.”
Continue ReadingSometimes when I read peoples facebook status, I think it would be a good idea if there was a spellchecker… I mean, Christ….. Lose is what Liverpool do every week. Loose is 75% of women in Liverpool.
Continue ReadingOxy-moron: Someone who abuses their right to breathe oxygen eg. Katie Price
Continue ReadingI took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It’s a frickin’ Elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you call it? I asked. It’s a […]
Continue ReadingThis old woman came up to me today and said “Can you see me across the road?” I said. “Hang on, I’ll run over and have a look.”
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