If red bull gave me wings …
If red bull gave me wings I’d hover above a farm and mock chickens
Continue ReadingAuthor: qjoq.com
I answered the door the o …
I answered the door the other day and there was a woman dancing away, holding glow sticks and blowing a whistle, and she asked if I wanted to buy any cosmetics. My wife said “Who is it?”. I answered “It’s the rave-on lady”.
Continue ReadingIn the budget a new tax w …
In the budget a new tax was announced on hot food, which is defined as food that is significantly above room temperature. Thankfully this doesn’t affect me as I always have a sausage roll from Greggs for lunch.
Continue ReadingA worm struggles out of t …
A worm struggles out of the general’s grave and eventually reaches the light of day, licking its lips in appreciation. “Well, I see why they gave him four stars.”
Continue ReadingUpon reflection… I look …
Upon reflection… I look good in a mirror.
Continue ReadingMy wife had finally had e …
My wife had finally had enough of my pet, so one day when i got home from work she exclaimed, “Right I’ve had enough of this. Either i go or the he does.” “The dog can go then.” I replied making up my mind in a flash. “Good choice hunny,” My wife said snuggling up […]
Continue ReadingMy wife told me that I la …
My wife told me that I lack self confidence. Though I’m sure you don’t want to hear what I did….
Continue ReadingI once had a crystal meth …
I once had a crystal meth lab. It was a nightmare taking him for walkies.
Continue Reading“Strapped for cash? Sell …
“Strapped for cash? Sell your pregnancy and baby items!” These internet adverts sure do have a way of raising a man’s hopes, to bitterly disappoint.
Continue ReadingI feel sorry for the 9/11 …
I feel sorry for the 9/11 jumpers. They’ll never sell.
Continue ReadingWho on earth are all thes …
Who on earth are all these people calling their children ‘little johnny’!?
Continue ReadingI went home to my wife af …
I went home to my wife after seeing the doctor, ”Honey I have some bad news, I slept with 3 guys on holiday and now I have aids.” ”This has got to be a joke!” she replied angrily. ”Ok!” I replied, ”I slept with a Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman…”
Continue ReadingI’m a 999 operator and we …
I’m a 999 operator and we had a call from a taxi driver… “I phoned 15 minutes ago” he said, “I think I’m having a heart attack. Where is the Ambulance?” “He’s turning into the street as we speak” I replied.
Continue ReadingWe have just settled an o …
We have just settled an ongoing dispute with our neighbour an agreed to make our garden paving stones parallel to each other. Our paths have never crossed since.
Continue ReadingMy new girlfriend said ” …
My new girlfriend said ” I don’t like guys who drink too much”. “Don’t worry” I replied “I can’t remember the last time I had a drink” I have blackouts.
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