Things you will never hea …
Things you will never hear at a McDonald’s restaurant #47: “This Happy Meal toy is so well designed from such robust materials. Its fun too. I don’t think I will ever get bored of it.
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I kept forgetting my pin …
I kept forgetting my pin today. No wonder the grenades didn’t explode.
Continue ReadingYou don’t know how much y …
You don’t know how much you love someone until they’re gone. So when my wife asked for my love, I decided to kill her.
Continue ReadingHow’s my luck? Last week …
How’s my luck? Last week my daughter announced that she was a lesbian and this morning I found my wife dead. They say things happen in threes. Well, I’m definitely doing Euromillions on Friday!
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend is having a …
My girlfriend is having a baby, I’m kind of hoping its going to be downs syndrome It might be a burden on me for its entire life, but It’ll get hundreds of ‘likes’ for every photo on Facebook.
Continue ReadingI was taking a walk along …
I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, “Its my last copy mate”. I said, “Lucky you! You’ll get home early tonight then”
Continue ReadingHave you ever imagined a …
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Continue ReadingI was sleeping the other …
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Continue ReadingMy wife accused me of not …
My wife accused me of not understanding rhetoric. “Haha, Do I know what rhetoric is?” I said “Of course I do”
Continue ReadingMy wife asked, “Will you …
My wife asked, “Will you sponsor me? I’m doing the race for life with work, we’re raising money for Anita.” I said, “Why? You might be cold now, but It’s nearly summer, you won’t need one then.”
Continue ReadingThe BBC have announced th …
The BBC have announced they are being sued by Tesla for allegedly rigging a Top Gear race in 2008 to make it look like the Tesla was slower than it actually was. Personally, I’d say taking three years to do so rather proves Top Gear’s point.
Continue ReadingI was surprised to see a …
I was surprised to see a horse named ‘House’ at the Grand National rated at 100/1. Doesn’t it always win?
Continue ReadingI don’t like tennis, I fi …
I don’t like tennis, I find it has too many faults
Continue ReadingI asked my girlfriend wha …
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas. “Something that goes round my finger, thats sparkly and I can show off too my family and friends” she said, I think she’ll love the LED YOYO I got her.
Continue ReadingImaginary numbers are com …
Imaginary numbers are complex.
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