I’ve just seen a fat bird …
I’ve just seen a fat bird smoking outside the pub. I walked over and said, “Do you mind if I pinch your snout?” She held out her cigarette and said, “Go for it.” So I squeezed her nose and said, “Thanks.”
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I’m sure I’ve just seen t …
I’m sure I’ve just seen that Alistair McGowan in hospital, suffering from anemia. Although, it might have been a pale imitation.
Continue ReadingMy iPod wouldn’t connect …
My iPod wouldn’t connect to iTunes earlier. Left me with a horrible syncing feeling
Continue ReadingSkydiving accidents. Putt …
Skydiving accidents. Putting the terminal into terminal velocity.
Continue ReadingAs I was beating up my 12 …
As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, ” What you doing? Stop it!” I said, ” I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it.” She said,” He didn’t. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria charity.” […]
Continue ReadingI like to spend my free t …
I like to spend my free time at the park watching the children running around and shouting. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
Continue ReadingDon’t bury this joke… I …
Don’t bury this joke… It’s an Organ Doner
Continue ReadingI was walking down the st …
I was walking down the street today and an Iceland van drove past and on the side was writen ‘Iceland Delivers straight to your door! That’s why mum’s go to Iceland!’ So these mum’s are going all the way to Iceland just to get them to deliver it to their door?
Continue ReadingMy mate said, “Did you he …
My mate said, “Did you hear farmer Young got trampled by one of his own cows?” I replied, “Yeah, I was at the funeral today. I even saw the cow at it.” “Oh, how was it then?” He asked “Delicious, cooked to perfection.”
Continue ReadingI won a rabbit at the fai …
I won a rabbit at the fair once, but it drowned in the bag before I got it home.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call a fish w …
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind.
Continue ReadingThe human hip, used for f …
The human hip, used for finding the exact location of the corner of a table.
Continue ReadingSo there is a huge power …
So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly… Are they including those of us who can’t call for tech support?
Continue ReadingI ran over a dog yesterda …
I ran over a dog yesterday and to make matters worse it got stuck under my grill. ‘Did it die?’ ‘Die? It almost set my kitchen on fire!’
Continue ReadingMy wife is an alcoholic w …
My wife is an alcoholic with OCD. She only drinks whisky neat.
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