I was gonna give my chang …
I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said “ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU.” So I held onto it, just in case he was right.
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‘Edvard Munch’s The Screa …
‘Edvard Munch’s The Scream sells for $120 million’. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it.. Then she remembered that she had a mirror.
Continue Reading“Why won’t you just be ha …
“Why won’t you just be happy for me?!” – Girl with a Dwarf fetish.
Continue ReadingSo the man with no arms a …
So the man with no arms and legs managed to swim the channel. What a buoy.
Continue ReadingNot even one word of apol …
Not even one word of apology from the burka-wearing muslim that clipped my ankle with a supermarket trolley. So when she wasn’t looking, I stuck some pork chops in with her shopping. Wish I could have seen her face at the checkout.
Continue ReadingMy eight-year-old daughte …
My eight-year-old daughter is like a fridge magnet; she’s attracted to my Smeg.
Continue ReadingRoses are red Violets are …
Roses are red Violets are blue Your sister said no How about you?
Continue ReadingWhat do you get after Bat …
What do you get after Batman’s funeral? A grave Robin.
Continue ReadingI’ve been trying to breed …
I’ve been trying to breed male rabbits for racing. I’ll do anything to make a fast buck.
Continue ReadingThere’s no getting away f …
There’s no getting away from it, stalking’s here to stay.
Continue ReadingMy boss accused me of nev …
My boss accused me of never fighting my own battles. Wait till my wife hears about this.
Continue ReadingMy mate who was a farmer …
My mate who was a farmer had a hair brained scheme to breed genetically modified sheep that were twice the size of normal ones.To do so he had to remortgage his house to finance it but things didn’t go to plan,and although the sheep were larger they weren’t as big as he’d hoped and he […]
Continue ReadingI was arrested by the Met …
I was arrested by the Metropolitan Police Close-Harmony Singers for busking without a permit. I had to accompany them to the station.
Continue ReadingI’m a pensioner and the o …
I’m a pensioner and the other day I opened the door to find four 12-year-olds in tracksuits asking to read my meter. Hats off to the gas board for giving these youngsters such valuable work experience.
Continue ReadingSometimes I regret not le …
Sometimes I regret not learning to speak French. But such is life.
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