My mate loves to grind hi …
My mate loves to grind his teeth. I prefer to use a skateboard.
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It’s an item, placed into …
It’s an item, placed into an auction upon which people who wish to own it can bid. Well, that explains a lot..
Continue ReadingDrink kills 1,500 Scots a …
Drink kills 1,500 Scots a year. I wonder how many Daves, Terrys or Alans it kills.
Continue ReadingIf someone asks you if yo …
If someone asks you if you’re ticklish, it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no, they’re going to touch you.
Continue ReadingPeople in cars cause acci …
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
Continue ReadingI turned up at work an ho …
I turned up at work an hour late this morning. My boss said, “Don’t tell me, the bus broke down again?” I said, “Yes, actually it did.” He said, “This is the 4th time in less than a week, I think you’re pushing it!” I said, “Well that’s just stupid, have you felt the weight […]
Continue ReadingBBC news: ‘Turkey to appo …
BBC news: ‘Turkey to appoint military chiefs’ I think it might be planning a coup
Continue ReadingI was in Florida last wee …
I was in Florida last week, researching the best way to track thunderstorms. Then it struck me.
Continue ReadingAt a recent job interview …
At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what’s real from what’s not. And your strengths? I’m Batman.
Continue ReadingBBC News – ‘Illegal film …
BBC News – ‘Illegal film downloads ‘up to 30%’ Incorrect, mine are on 75% and 89% and rising…
Continue ReadingI was out walking the dog …
I was out walking the dog earlier. Although she prefers me to introduce her as “my wife”
Continue ReadingBBC News: “Scots ‘drink a …
BBC News: “Scots ‘drink a quarter more alcohol’ than other Brits”. So? Bernard Matthew’s eat more chicken Uncles named Ben eat more rice and Victoria’s eat more sponge cake
Continue ReadingIt was the funeral of the …
It was the funeral of the wife’s mother yesterday. At the graveside I broke down in tears. “Thought you didn’t like her?” the wife whispered. “I didn’t. But seeing her being buried reminds me of what happens to most of my jokes”.
Continue ReadingI was sunbathing naked in …
I was sunbathing naked in the garden when a copper walked up and said, “Excuse me Sir but would you go inside and put something on.” So I went inside, popped on my CD player and put my favorite Gary Glitter track on.
Continue ReadingMy doctor told me I need …
My doctor told me I need to seriously stop eating junk food, starting with the half-eaten apple I just fished from his office bin.
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