My mate’s never going to …
My mate’s never going to make his wedding on time as he’s been stuck in traffic for hours. We super-glued him to the middle of the road last night on his stag do.
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A guy goes to the doctor …
A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.” The doctor nods and replies, “Don’t worry, you’ve just been Tolkien in your sleep.”
Continue ReadingThe amount of time spent …
The amount of time spent on Facebook is inversely proportional to the amount of actual friends you have.
Continue ReadingI was disappointed to dis …
I was disappointed to discover that DIRT magazine was about bikes
Continue ReadingBBC news: “shortage of ma …
BBC news: “shortage of male primary school teachers” Maybe the crackdown on paedos is working a little too well.
Continue ReadingHave you heard about that …
Have you heard about that new cult that’s going around? They dress up as pidgeons and chickens and beat up black people. Apparently, they call themselves the Coo Clucks Klan.
Continue ReadingPeople keep saying to me …
People keep saying to me today. “Don’t forget to move your clocks and watches forward tonight mate!” Well I’ve just done my watch and its stupid, it keeps sliding off my fingers.
Continue ReadingBreaking News: Mahmoud Ah …
Breaking News: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacks Octopus Paul I bet Paul saw this coming.
Continue ReadingI woke up this morning an …
I woke up this morning and a had a special type of socket wrench in my hand and I was surrounded by nuts and bolts. I had been torquing in my sleep.
Continue ReadingI was on the London Under …
I was on the London Underground. Or, as we call it in the North, witchcraft.
Continue ReadingMaddie’s Kidnapper. Takin …
Maddie’s Kidnapper. Taking the ‘gal’ out of ‘Portugal’.
Continue ReadingI was having a cup of tea …
I was having a cup of tea earlier and found there was a witty remark printed on the side of the cup. I did not find it too amusing. It was a joke for mugs.
Continue ReadingI’ve won a 36 hour no sle …
I’ve won a 36 hour no sleeping contest recently. I left all other contestants in my wake.
Continue ReadingAs a child, my parents al …
As a child, my parents always used to tell me never to answer back. It certainly made school hard.
Continue ReadingScientists should use an …
Scientists should use an internet tool to see if life exists on the newly discovered “twin planet”. Just use Google Kepler 22-b.
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