Those that say ‘As one do …
Those that say ‘As one door closes, another one opens’ have clearly never seen an episode of Takeshi’s Castle
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Animal puns are not funny …
Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.
Continue ReadingI saw an old lady struggl …
I saw an old lady struggling with her shopping today, so I offered to carry it home for her. As soon as we got to the front door she said, “This is not my house.” I said, “I know, it’s mine.”
Continue ReadingI spent all of last week …
I spent all of last week trying to trace my father. I didn’t succeed though. I couldn’t find a piece of paper big enough
Continue ReadingWhat have a car and a nak …
What have a car and a naked woman at Glastonbury got in common? Mudflaps.
Continue ReadingI’ve just had a really ba …
I’ve just had a really bad case of Heat stroke. My wife will be livid, she hasn’t even read it yet.
Continue ReadingA man walks up to paddy i …
A man walks up to paddy in the bookies and says “would you like the winner of the next race ” paddy says “no thanks mate , i live in a flat “
Continue ReadingA doctor tells his patien …
A doctor tells his patient, “I bring two pieces of grave news, One is that you will be dead by tomorrow. The other is that I forgot to tell you yesterday”.
Continue ReadingWhat’s the definition of …
What’s the definition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback!
Continue ReadingI was delighted with my w …
I was delighted with my wife’s reaction after she tasted the lovely biscuits I’d cooked her. I knew she was allergic to nuts.
Continue ReadingThankfully the only time …
Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we’re fighting for the custody of our children.
Continue ReadingMy mate’s dog has been tr …
My mate’s dog has been trained to sniff drugs. It’s brilliant, he can even roll up his own 20 note.
Continue ReadingI just got a call from my …
I just got a call from my 8 year old sons teacher.Apparently he has been charging girls 25 cents to touch his ‘special area’ The worst part was he was taking away my business.
Continue ReadingI have just proposed to m …
I have just proposed to my girlfriend with an onion ring. She cried, bless her.
Continue ReadingPhysical scars last forev …
Physical scars last forever, mental scars only while you’re sober.
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