There’s a new shop down m …
There’s a new shop down my street that specializes in clothing for obese people. They have a wide range of everything.
Continue ReadingIf you want to know how m …
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
Continue ReadingMy butler died of hearing …
My butler died of hearing loss. He walked through the valet of deaf.
Continue ReadingIs it more offensive tell …
Is it more offensive telling my black friend that she smells like my dog, or telling my dog she smells like a black person?
Continue ReadingI finally managed to teac …
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds.
Continue ReadingHow gutted are them Chill …
How gutted are them Chillian miners going to feel when they realise they have to go back to work next week
Continue ReadingBBC News – Brotherhood ‘t …
BBC News – Brotherhood ‘to join Egypt talks’ I didn’t know Ezio Auditore had an interest in politics
Continue ReadingMe and my mates have star …
Me and my mates have started leaving bombs next to the tills in corner shops. We’re a ‘Counter Terrorist Group’.
Continue ReadingI feel so sorry for the p …
I feel so sorry for the parents of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. I mean, having your daughter brutally murdered in a school caretaker’s bathroom is one thing. But I don’t know how they’ll ever find the strength to come to terms with finding out that a journalist has listened to their voicemail.
Continue ReadingMy wife and I had to run …
My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.
Continue ReadingMy mate can scale walls r …
My mate can scale walls really fast but most people want plaster not fish skin.
Continue ReadingWhat is the most common w …
What is the most common way to end your life? Get married.
Continue ReadingI joined 3 golf clubs tod …
I joined 3 golf clubs today. Now I can practice my putting in the garden from the upstairs bedroom window.
Continue ReadingI’ve just landed a duty f …
I’ve just landed a duty free job at Heathrow airport I can’t believe I’m going to get paid for doing nothing.
Continue ReadingIt’s said that if we don’ …
It’s said that if we don’t heed the lessons from history, then we are destined to repeat the same mistakes. Not me! I always make sure I clear mine, ever since the wife read my last one.
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