I don’t really like my ne …
I don’t really like my new hair. But I suppose it’ll grow on me…
Continue ReadingHear about the vegetarian …
Hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats swedes
Continue ReadingAfter a lovely date with …
After a lovely date with a gorgeous blonde, I dropped her back at her house. As she got out the car she smiled and said “Give me a ring tomorrow” I put my foot down and sped off as quick as possible. There’s no way I’m ready for that kind of commitment after just one […]
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend is cross ey …
My girlfriend is cross eyed and is trying to find a cure for it. She doesn’t know where to look.
Continue ReadingI reached an all-time hig …
I reached an all-time high last night. About 5 cm from the ceiling.
Continue ReadingSomeone stole my contact …
Someone stole my contact lenses today. Robbed me blind
Continue ReadingThe wife went ballistic w …
The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the museum staff.
Continue ReadingI shouldn’t have got Patr …
I shouldn’t have got Patrick Swayze to redesign the nursery. He’s put the cot right in the middle of the room.
Continue ReadingI told my friend earlier …
I told my friend earlier that I’d heard Marie Osmond is going to be in one of the worst films ever made. “Warner Brothers?” He said “I already have” I replied
Continue ReadingI was in London today and …
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, “Waterloo, mate.” He said, “The station?” “Well, I’m a bit late for the battle.”
Continue ReadingIf this Final doesnt fini …
If this Final doesnt finish soon im going to have to take it out on my wife.
Continue ReadingJews really need to stop …
Jews really need to stop complaining about the holocaust and look on the bright side Think of how much money they saved by only needing one way train tickets
Continue ReadingSaw a Poster in the super …
Saw a Poster in the supermarket today which read, Coco Pops No added colours Oh, so JLS aren’t getting a new member?
Continue ReadingI recently went to a pub …
I recently went to a pub and asked the pretty lady at the bar for a nice bit of head. Worst pint I’ve ever had.
Continue ReadingJust because people laugh …
Just because people laugh at your jokes doesn’t necessarily mean you’re funny Justin Lee Collins It could be the fact that you’re ugly.
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