A mate of mine sells vomi …
A mate of mine sells vomit decoration kits. That’s pretty sick.
Continue ReadingI’m going to be Frank – I …
I’m going to be Frank – I think I have a split personality.
Continue ReadingDefinition of Irony: Goin …
Definition of Irony: Going the Job Centre to sign on and being told to come back tomorrow as they are short staffed.
Continue ReadingI used to always caution …
I used to always caution against people reading their horoscopes. Which is probably why I got fired from the police force.
Continue ReadingNEWS: Gangster used Faceb …
NEWS: Gangster used Facebook in jail. Al Capone, John Gotti and 4 others like this.
Continue ReadingYou know that burning fee …
You know that burning feeling you get in your ears when someone is talking about you behind your back. Turns out that someone was trying to tell me my hat was on fire.
Continue ReadingI have a real habit of ac …
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit. For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of […]
Continue ReadingI couldn’t be a pessimist …
I couldn’t be a pessimist if I tried.
Continue ReadingThe last few weeks have b …
The last few weeks have been brilliant spending time with my wife and children But it was difficult explaining that daddy will soon be gone and wont be around very much. But come on football season is about to resume.
Continue ReadingI went to a restaurant th …
I went to a restaurant that served Ethiopian food today, when they brought out my plate it had nothing on it.
Continue ReadingI’ve just heard on the ne …
I’ve just heard on the news that currys can cure cancer. Well that’s definitely one in the eye for Comet, who only sell fridges and TVs.
Continue ReadingI was enjoying a hot bowl …
I was enjoying a hot bowl of soup yesterday when my girlfriend walked in and asked me: “How’s your soup honey” “It’s, soup-er duper” Came my witty reply… I am currently single.
Continue ReadingMan sells his award winni …
Man sells his award winning Doberman Pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don’t need it anymore.
Continue ReadingThe Wife bet me fifty pou …
The Wife bet me fifty pounds that she could sing more football songs than me. I beat her. She had no Chants.
Continue ReadingI was called in to see my …
I was called in to see my son’s Headmaster today. I said, “What’s he been up to?” “He tried to burn down the main building.” He replied. I said, “You’re lucky, he succeeded at his two previous schools.”
Continue Reading