Walkers crisps. What’s ne …
Walkers crisps. What’s next? Runners doughnuts?
Continue ReadingThe crossword was looking …
The crossword was looking for a seven letter word meaning expected or usual but of course I wasn’t able to come up with one. Typical.
Continue ReadingI tried to buy a town in …
I tried to buy a town in the south of France. The locals were Avignon of it.
Continue ReadingPolice reported earlier t …
Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue.
Continue ReadingMy mate was hosting a chi …
My mate was hosting a chicken football tournament on his farm and he asked me along to spectate I didn’t stay long though. The matches were rubbish. It was just fowl after fowl
Continue ReadingI bought some cigarettes …
I bought some cigarettes in the newsagents this morning. As I handed the cashier a 50 note she looked at me and said, “Do you have anything smaller than that?” “Sure,” I replied, putting my hand into my pocket and pulling out a tic tac.
Continue ReadingBBC News: Finalist dies a …
BBC News: Finalist dies at World Sauna event in Finland Such a shame as he’d done so well in the heats.
Continue ReadingAristotle said “It is the …
Aristotle said “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” …but I think he’s wrong.
Continue ReadingAh yes, 9/11. The age ran …
Ah yes, 9/11. The age range I molest exclusively to.
Continue ReadingMy wife had the cheek to …
My wife had the cheek to call me “Immature”. Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same time so now she’s Jinxed!
Continue ReadingI’d studied the form at A …
I’d studied the form at Ascot and confidently walked up to the bookmaker with my money in my hand. “Forty pounds on Fame and Glory in the Gold Cup,” I said. “This is your first time at Ladies’ Day isn’t it?” he asked. “Er…yeah. Why?” “Because it’s usually just the women who wear a fancy […]
Continue ReadingI asked the missus this m …
I asked the missus this morning what size she is, as I was buying her Christmas presents She told me she was a size 10. The trouble I had getting shoes in her size!
Continue ReadingI read my star sign today …
I read my star sign today and it read ”Today, you’ll be a winner” So I picked a fight with a four year old.
Continue ReadingPeople who play the air g …
People who play the air guitar need stringing up.
Continue ReadingNASA have announced that …
NASA have announced that they can now afford a manned mission to Mars after they found some cash down the back of the SETI.
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