I was looking for cheap flights online and tried to log into ‘skynet.com’ I’ve just had some big Austrian bloke at the door asking if I know someone called Sarah Connor.
My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I’m worried about her starting college, she’s led a very sheltered life.
Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception.
Police in Southampton have seized over 300 million pounds worth of Cocaine Lets just hope they follow the right lines of enquiry
I was walking my dog this morning when a Paki stopped me and asked; “Why has your dog got a bandage on his face?” Me: “He had an accident and lost his nose” Paki: “That’s awful, how does he smell?” Me: “Nowhere near as bad as you”.
Whats the difference between my wife and a gritter? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight.
Give an Ethiopian a meal and you feed him for a day…. Give an Ethiopian an aircraft meal and you can feed him for the rest of his life.
In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, “You’ve a bit of food on your chin.” When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, “No, the other chin.”
For fifteen years I’ve been collecting watches and clocks but I’ve had to give it up. It was taking up too much time.
I went off the rails when i was younger, it was a short lived career as a train driver
It’s my son’s sports day tomorrow and as he’s the only white, blonde, blue eyed child in his inner-city school, he should be the clear favourite for the Aryan race.
Ever wonder what your dreams mean? It means bookshops can make loads of money by selling books to gullible people.
While I was driving, if my mate wasn’t adjusting the heating he was fiddling with the radio. I calmly stopped the car and applied the hand break. He’s been in plaster for two weeks now but at least he learnt a lesson.
If I ever have to open another Fray Bentos pie again, I’ll slit my wrists.
I saw a label on a packet of that weird gel that said ‘Do not Open, Ingest’ I don’t know why they think it would be funny.