I was looking for cheap f …
I was looking for cheap flights online and tried to log into ‘skynet.com’ I’ve just had some big Austrian bloke at the door asking if I know someone called Sarah Connor.
Continue ReadingMy daughter was born with …
My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I’m worried about her starting college, she’s led a very sheltered life.
Continue ReadingIronically, actually havi …
Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception.
Continue ReadingPolice in Southampton hav …
Police in Southampton have seized over 300 million pounds worth of Cocaine Lets just hope they follow the right lines of enquiry
Continue ReadingI was walking my dog this …
I was walking my dog this morning when a Paki stopped me and asked; “Why has your dog got a bandage on his face?” Me: “He had an accident and lost his nose” Paki: “That’s awful, how does he smell?” Me: “Nowhere near as bad as you”.
Continue ReadingWhats the difference betw …
Whats the difference between my wife and a gritter? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight.
Continue ReadingGive an Ethiopian a meal …
Give an Ethiopian a meal and you feed him for a day…. Give an Ethiopian an aircraft meal and you can feed him for the rest of his life.
Continue ReadingIn trouble with the wife …
In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, “You’ve a bit of food on your chin.” When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, “No, the other chin.”
Continue ReadingFor fifteen years I’ve be …
For fifteen years I’ve been collecting watches and clocks but I’ve had to give it up. It was taking up too much time.
Continue ReadingI went off the rails when …
I went off the rails when i was younger, it was a short lived career as a train driver
Continue ReadingIt’s my son’s sports day …
It’s my son’s sports day tomorrow and as he’s the only white, blonde, blue eyed child in his inner-city school, he should be the clear favourite for the Aryan race.
Continue ReadingEver wonder what your dre …
Ever wonder what your dreams mean? It means bookshops can make loads of money by selling books to gullible people.
Continue ReadingWhile I was driving, if m …
While I was driving, if my mate wasn’t adjusting the heating he was fiddling with the radio. I calmly stopped the car and applied the hand break. He’s been in plaster for two weeks now but at least he learnt a lesson.
Continue ReadingIf I ever have to open an …
If I ever have to open another Fray Bentos pie again, I’ll slit my wrists.
Continue ReadingI saw a label on a packet …
I saw a label on a packet of that weird gel that said ‘Do not Open, Ingest’ I don’t know why they think it would be funny.
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