Category: work

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole? Pat.

I’ve had to take a second job working in a bakery. I knead the dough.

My boss said to me, “I’m not happy, you have only been doing very minimal work for me. You should be showing me that you are willing to go the extra mile.” I said, “But I’m not.”

I always wanted to be a negotiator, but I was talked out of it.

I said to my doctor, “Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring.” He asked, “Is it loud?” I replied, “Very.” He said, “Does it bother your wife?” I replied, “I’m not married.” “Then what’s the problem?” he asked. “I’ve lost jobs because of it.” I replied.

As a vet I used to think that the worst day of my working life would be when I put down a whole litter of healthy new born Afghans. But actually it was when I finished my tour of duty in Helmand Province and returned home.

I said to my wife this morning, “You look like death” She said, “I haven’t done my make up yet!” I said, “That doesn’t really explain the hooded cloak and scythe”

Word of advice when at a job interview “A hip flask and some snacks” is not a good answer to the question “what will you bring to this job?”

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

First the Postmen go on strike, now the Firemen. Who’s next? Best not be the Milkmen as I am NOT going back to drinking my grandma’s breast milk again.

I intend to leave a mark on history before I die. One day I’ll grade one of those kids’ test papers, one day.

I love it how people can’t get to work in the morning when it snows but they’re perfectly capable of getting home when it snows during work.

The boss called me into his office today and told me I’m due for a raise. He handed me a packet of yeast and I walked back into the bakery.

I went for a job interview. The interviewer told me I would earn 1200 per month. Then after six months I would be on 1400 per month. I told him I’d start in six months time.

I was sacked as a club rep in Ibiza because of my poor attendance and continous lying. I couldn’t help it if I was snowed in.