Category: work

I was sacked today for tying the boss up .. Apparently that’s not what gaffer tape is used for

I just got myself a new job, basically my role is to show schoolkids what a life of taking drugs and getting involved in petty crime leads to. I think it’s better known as a caretaker.

I’ve recently got a job collecting aluminium cans. It’s not as bad as people make out. It’s picking up.

Got fired from my job today for being on the phone too much. Ironic, considering i’m a receptionist.

I took a month off work to go travelling across America. Before I left my boss said “Now I don’t want you to worry about your job whilst you’re away…” I said, “Thanks Boss.” “Which is why I’m firing you now.” he added.

I got sacked today for being ‘drunk at the workplace.’ I think I was misunderstood when I said I was “wasted doing this job.”

I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge – I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute!

I went to the Job Centre for an interview. I said: ‘I ain’t got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off.’ She said: ‘Great, you’re exactly what they’re after at PC world’.

I met my new boss today. She said, “I want you to know I’m a feminist.” I replied, “That’s great, I hate women too.”

I lost my job as a lion-tamer, they said I was taking too long. My plan was, through a selective breeding programme, to have them eating out of my hand in about 12 to 14 generations.

I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers) SICKNESS We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will […]

Always be frank with your boss. That way when you screw up, Frank gets the blame.

I called one of my employees into my office for a review. I told him that I was quite satisfied about his work, and said to him: ‘what about a pay raise between eight and nine hundred quid?’ ‘Wow’, he said, that would be great’ ‘OK’, I replied, ‘8 quid it is then’

I’ve just started working as a writer. I only have to go into the office every couple of weeks and show them what I’ve done. Come to think of it, it’s pretty much the same as when I was unemployed but I get paid less.