Category: work

I took a bird out for a few drinks last night. As we pulled up outside her house in a taxi I asked, “Mind if I come in for a night cap?” She said, “Haven’t you got to get up early for work in the morning?” I said, “No, I don’t get up until dinner […]

If counting sheep helps you sleep, you’re probably going to be fired from being a livestock auditor.

I don’t know why people hate Mondays so much. I’m on the dole and I don’t mind them.

I don’t know what is the hardest part of a job interview. Memorising the job description or memorising all the lies you wrote about yourself in the application form.

I am a great team motivator. My colleagues say that they have to work twice as hard when I’m on with them.

I quit my job last week at the helium factory. I just didn’t like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

My boss is always onto me for being late in work. I make up for it though by leaving early.

I went to my doctor with severe back ache.He asked ” Are you working at the moment Mr Smith?” I replied ” Nope, I’m on a doctor’s appointment with back ache.”

My boss went balilstic yesterday because i popped out to buy some cigaretes from the nearest high street. Mind you, he does have a point. I work on an oil rig.

My mate said he can get me a new job at the Jobcentre. I turned up yesterday, had a look around and realised he sent me to the immigration office. He keeps calling saying “where are you?” but I’m not gonna fall for it twice

My girlfriend asked me a question “what do you do as a job”. I said “if I tell I would have to kill you”. So I killed her.

I started my first day at a new job today. The boss said he wanted me to be a professional. So I jumped through a window.

I’ve been really depressed about my weight recently. I feel like going to the top of the nearest building and hurling myself off. But I’m sure I’ll bounce back.

I’ve got a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

I went for a job interview today and thought I’d stand out from the crowd by taking in some homemade cakes for the interviewers. They seemed to really enjoy them as they were tucking in during my interview. I thought it was going really well but there’s always one or two tricky questions. “So, why […]