Category: wordplay

‘The Government are urging obese people to eat less’ That’ll be hard for them to swallow. Unless it’s hidden in a Cake.

So here I am, the final of the cornflake eating contest. It’s crunch time.

2 pebbles sitting on a beach, 1st one says to the other “are you married” the 2nd one replies “no im shingle”

I had to go to yesterday’s fancy dress party as Batman. I’d planned to go as Superman, but there was no S-cape.

I’m so good at dreaming I could do it in my sleep.

I submitted a thousand page essay today……….My jujitsu skills are getting better.

On casual friday, I nearly lost my job for serious misconduct. I will change my drag name next week to seriously Miss Understood.

I’m so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,

I read a twelve page book about the war the other day. I think it was Abridged Too Far.

Just had a bloke ask if he could rent my house. I said, “Sorry mate, I just can’t let you.”

I work as a dyslexic shipman. I don’t like to boast though.

I always carry a larger dictionary – for better muscle definition.

After 25 years of shrill, shrieking marriage, I finally found the courage to ditch my wife ….fingers crossed the police won’t find it

I’m a terrible psychic – I don’t know about you.

I said to my mate “Next year I’m taking up something new. I’ll give you a clue, it involves blood, sweat and tears with a little bit of Eye of the Tiger thrown in”. He replied, “So you’re taking up boxing?”. “No”, I said “Chinese medicine”.