Category: wordplay

I was cleaning my house this morning using a latino and a tinned ham. My house is spic ‘n’ spam now.

My wife said I was too formal. I suggested she put that in writing and I’d reply by return of post.

I was going to write a story about the march I went on at the weekend but I can’t. I’ve got rioters block.

Apparently there’s a new motion picture currently in production which will tell the story of a large carton of organic free-range eggs. It’s to be called The Dirty Dozen.

My sister is really into two things. 1. Exaggerating 2. Fat guys. So really just blowing things out of proportion.

I fantasise about sawing the top of the skull off a woman then giving her a Roman shower. Which is sick in the head.

As a therapist, I’ve found that the most difficult patients are magicians. They never reveal their secrets.

Everytime I look in the mirror, I get a real shock. But that’s me.

If you win the X-factor, you’ll churn out Factor Y music for the rest of your career.

I just bought the remastered edition of Roots. What a rip-off; the slaves are still free in the end.

So, Harold Camping predicted the world would end yesterday. Not to rub it in Harold, but what am I doing now?

I used to keep poking myself in my eyes, but don’t worry, I can’t see myself doing it again

My depression has forced me to move house to The Fens. My life has reached a new low.

Our book club challenged us to read a 1000 page book in a day. I chose the Greater London road atlas. I’m streets ahead of the rest

I like to tell people exactly how many volts my stun gun outputs, just for the shock value.