Category: wordplay

My girlfriend asked me if i could act out a word that had all the vowels in alphabetical order. She didn’t appreciate my efforts, and stormed out, saying “There’s no need to be facetious!”

My wife accused me of being a desperate procrastinator earlier. I beg to defer.

A lorry has shed it’s load of pepper mills on the M1. Traffic has ground to a halt.

I hate being asked if I’ve had any “past experience.” Is there any other kind?

My mate couldn’t recall what muscles contracted in the chest when breathing. So I showed him a diaphragm.

I don’t like using the the forum of the ‘we love sewing materials’ website. Too many threads.

I heard that companies are starting to make belts with a clockface on the buckle. But I think it’s just a waist of time.

If you can only go left or right, and you know that left isn’t right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it’s the only way left.

My friend bet me 20 quid that I couldn’t finish my dessert in less than 20 seconds. It was a piece of cake.

After winning the klepto archery tournament I took a well-deserved bow.

Some funny looking bloke just fell out the sky and offered me a great deal on freeview TV. Extraterrestrial.

All day I’ve been pretending I’m different types of wood. I’m board now.

My wife was furious after I invested in stocks for her. “This was a much better idea than taking you to the cinema,” I replied, as I threw another rancid tomato at her face.

My daughter is eighteen years old but is a very late developer. She’s had three warnings from her supervisor at Jessops this month alone.

I caught my wife and neighbour today. I was crushed.